Holding Friendships Close to Our Hearts
Every time I watch the movie Beaches, I reminisce about the blessings of the beautiful friendships, the connections, I have and have had throughout my life. This modern-day classic, as I have deemed it, allows my heart and soul to sing as I gather my thoughts around my own tribe, when I watch CC and Hillary's friendship unfold in front of my eyes right on screen. And mind you, this usually occurs as tears streak my cheeks and smiles dance in my heart. Yes, I am recently a recognized extraverted HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) - more to come on that at a later time. The story of love, friendship and connection that unfolds on the screen is a decades long relationship between CC Bloom and Hillary Whitney, enacted through the talents of Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey respectively, with CC and Hillary coming from two very different worlds. CC, from a single parent home, is a young girl full of life and striving to become an entertainer. With roles seemingly reversed with the mother daughter duo roaming from city to city with hopes for CC to make it big. Hillary on the other hand comes from a very upper-class family, with parents, aunts, maids and horses, yet holds a somewhat melancholy tone to her character. Through a less confident lens in life, she is enamored by CC's spunk and vigor. Both live in their very different worlds with their own ups and downs, and when the girls meet at the boardwalk they become lifelong friends with their struggles, celebrations and more, yet they remain best of friends to the bitter end of grief and loss. Every time I watch this movie, there are members of my own tribe who bounce around in my head echoing the memories of days gone by and how dependable they are to me. Friendships are the backbone of our emotional health, without them we are left to the winds, struggling, finding other, less healthy ways to cope with our emotional struggles in life. We all need a friend like Bette's character, who will come running in a second to be by our side if we ever need them. Whether to hold our hand through a divorce, laugh at a movie, cry through a story, or bury secrets in the vault for us. There are those members of my tribe that would bend over backwards for me and I for them.
Years back, as I was sitting in my travel trailer over a long weekend, all alone shortly after separating from my husband of 27 years, a new song was hitting the charts by Tracy Lawrence, Kenny Chesney, and Tim McGraw entitled You Find Out Who Your Friend Are. I remember hearing the song and becoming completely mesmerized with the words. As a huge Kenny and Tim fan, I literally stopped what I was doing and sat down to listen to their voices belt out the words, you know, the way you hear a song by one of your favorite singers for the very first time. You know that voice but not the words, not the tune, and you listen closely to determine just what your singer has in store for you. The chorus sang forth the words of what felt like my personal life with my best friends, knowing that when things get tough, I knew exactly who those were that I could count on..."Somebody's gonna drop everything, run out and crank up their car, hit the gas get their fast AND never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far.' They just show on up with their big old heart, you find out who your friends are". I knew immediately in that song, who my friends were, who my tribe was. I could envision my lifelong friend in her 70's Chevy, another in her 65' Mustang, coming to rescue me at the drop of a hat any time I needed her, another friend who dropped everything when my father passed just months after my separation from my husband. As I was crumbling from the news, she drove me from place to place to tell my family and collect each family member for the journey east to Montana. I knew in the lyrics of that song just who my tribe was made of, just who my closest friends were...these women and more. I knew who I had and could always count on. We often know exactly who the members of our tribe are, and yet, our tribe is always evolving. Connection is so important and as a member of a tribe, our roles are reciprocal. We give and take, and we love and support unconditionally. I recall being at a business function when I received the news that one of my longtime friends had just lost her husband, unexpectedly, and suddenly. Her daughter, the young woman I consider my niece, notified me that her father had passed, and I flew out of the restaurant so fast and to her house, where I remained over the following days nearly every waking moment. My friend recalls those days as though I never left her side, saying to me, "I woke up and you were there, I went to sleep and you were there, you were the best friend to me ever. You were simply always there, I assumed you never left". I never stopped to consider why I needed to be there, only that I knew my friend needed me and I was there for her - never a moment of thought to what was in it for me. I had cancelled a conference trip to Hawaii planned for a year because I knew, she would have done that for me and instead, I held my friend's hand and sat quietly beside her, fed her, cleaned her house, and simply listened and cried with her over the coming days. As I sat with her in silence, and truly felt her pain, I was there only to support her and whatever she or her children needed, however she needed me, because that's what we do for one and other. Today, although that is truly a bleep in my life, I would never have considered reacting any other way. She needed me and I was there.
As friends, women are easily there to connect with our close friends out of love, and we never have a second thought which allows for beautiful and supportive friendships that mean so much. We are sisters, friends, we are our tribe. Our counterpart in males can often find that more challenging of a process, however. I came across a book recently and just ordered it Deep Secrets: Boys' Friendships and the Crisis of Connection by Niobe Way who studied over two decades and captures it well in her book the "stories of loss, [boys] fears of rejection, their hopes and dreams of connection...and introduces us to the world of adolescent males so that we can see them as they are and not as we have imagined." Pedro A Noguera, author of The Trouble with Black Boys. I truly believe in the deepest core of my heart that connection is the opposite of addiction, the more I connect with my peers out there in the field of addiction and recovery.
In preparing for our interviews for the CHAN Podcast, I've heard repeatedly from colleagues, the opposite of addiction is connection. I pondered that statement and believed it to be true. In a Ted Talk, Johann Hari states that, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection. We have all felt what it is like when we really connect to a person, place or experience. A genuine connection can provide a deep sense of belonging or make you feel truly present in the moment with people and the world around you." Healthplus states that connections are a critical health factor. Although we do our best at minding our nutrition, blood pressure, sleep and more, one critical landmark study found that a lack of human connection could be more detrimental to one's health than obesity, smoking or even high blood pressure. Covid's separation and distancing has exacerbated the pains felt from lack of connection even further in society.
As a woman, my connections are through my tribe. A huge hole in my son's life that I found was his lack of connection. He was connected to others, in that they came to him for their healing, and he loved deeply. However, he kept space between himself and others in that he lacked the trust to allow others to help him heal, to allow his vulnerability. This is the core, the foundation for the CHAN Project in its creation; a place for others to form connections, trust and to be authentic and vulnerable. In watching Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart recently, I listened to her statement about shame, how when we state it out loud, we take the power out of shame. I LOVE that statement. Take the power out of shame. I think so much of connection being about trust, vulnerability and believing we can share and be open, and believe enough in ourselves and our tribe to open up to the true connection that allows others to help us heal. It's so hard to do it alone. It's damn near impossible...
Through connection, our tribal members, our posse, friends, family celebrate achievements and happiness, we cry together with sorrow and heartache, we strive forward collectively with challenges and losses, and we are there for one and other through thick and thin. And friendships are not just about the fun, they are also a healthy choice in life. Through connecting, we benefit from one and other's friendships, lessons and triumphs, and the magic they bring into our lives. I know that I count my blessings when I reflect on the wonderful friends, I hold dear in my life. Between the lifelong and almost lifelong friendships, and the shorter yet still very strong friendships who have slipped into my life over the years, come and gone, or stayed through to today, each has fulfilled a purpose with me, and many still are.
When we have women in our lives, we create a bond that male friendships struggle more to create. Our female energy creates bonds through laughter and tears, trust and support, and simply being there for one and other. We lock vaults with secrets held in trust, together we stand tall against the men that break our hearts, we go to battle for one and other, hold hands and cry in support, and we simply sit and listen intently. So much of what we as women base these friendships on is based in trust and vulnerability, which one can barely speak of without referencing Brene Brown. One of her more infamous quotes tells us, "Trust is a product of vulnerability, that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement". Through trust, women blossom, share secrets, figure life out, and move forward. Sometimes we even grab our girlfriend by the hand forcing her forward, because that is what we do, and that is exactly what my best friend did for me when I needed a swift kick in the back end to move me and my life forward. At the CHAN Project, we are exploring how to build tribes with both men and women, how to explore the teachings of those like Niobe Way to help both guys and gals find the healthy friendships and tribes to build connections so that you can turn to those in need and find support to safe choices, to safe support, to a good life.
These are the important moments in life, the roles we are unable to hold for ourselves that keep us healthy and are so vitally important to all of us. So, as you go out into the world, seek that friend that exudes unconditional love, support, friendship. When you are there for them and they for you, you can begin to realize how significant friendships are, how significant supportive energy and relationships are, and how often they are here to last while some are here in the moment. One of my most loving and dearest friends is one I've had since middle school. We met because we were 'going steady' with the same boy. And mind you, not just the two of us, but her sister was as well. We have come in and out of each other's lives over the years more than once, yet every time we re-enter the other's space, it is as if we never left. Years have gone by and yet, it is as there was never a gap. We simply pick up where we left off and march forward. This woman is one of my dearest friends who knows the most about me, who I trust with my heart and soul, and who we spend many an evening, afternoon, or day laughing, crying, sharing great eats, and simply being there for one and other. That is the blessing of a tribe, members come and go and fill the spaces of our heart when we need comfort, laughter, tears and happiness fulfilled in the moment or in a lifetime. The old saying some friends come into your life for a day, while others last a lifetime is very true. So as you take your next breath and begin your routine today, think about those beautiful friendships your tribe holds for you, how you can be a great friend, and how life is much richer with your friends by your side. One, two, three, or twenty, make it a great friendship. Namaste'
